John van Gurp

Men are tough, right? We cut ourselves - no big deal. We get insulted at work - laugh and ignore the bozo. A pal tries to pick a fight while out a little too late some night - who cares - it was the beer talking and you’re still pals. We don’t go looking for issues in relationships. We bond with each other over lawnmower repairs, a crappy golf game and how many donairs we ate last year - the most basic and simple things - no complications. A parent dies - we’re philosophical about it. Our daughter leaves home for university in another city - we cry. WE WHAT???!!!

Yes indeed my dear friends… a tear was shed last night while yours truly was alone at his camp to do some carpentry. It came right outta the blue and shocked me to the point that I came home a day early. Me cry? Good lord it must be a virus or something right? Maybe mental illness.

The situation is simple. My daughter, the eldest of two is leaving home in three days to go to university in Montreal. She’ll be moving into an apartment with her boyfriend. She loves Montreal, the BF is a terrific person, her university is one of the best, she will have a few friends there and she has an uncle and aunt a few streets away to keep an eye out and act as surrogate parents. What a great situation for a young person and what parent could have any complaints about how this is turning out?

Why then the angst? I don’t know - maybe it’s common, maybe not, but for me it’s very real and, hopefully short lived as we see her adjust and adapt and use her resourcefulness to build a new life.

We have a social duty and a duty as parents to encourage our young to leave the nest. Children need to be supported in making life-decisions that are not be under the full supervision of the parental safety net. The protective nature of the father-daughter relationship cannot survive once the child is ready and capable of living separately. The protection of parenting must be relaxed and it must pass control over to the child as they become a fully self-sufficient adult. It’s hard to do though; the bedroom of their youth is empty, the secret rituals are stilled, and the family unit altered forever.

It’s a change cycle and maybe the fact it signals parental aging or a major life stage drawing to a close makes it tied to the unexpected emotional response of yours truly. It’s not like getting a new car, or moving to another house. The team is smaller, the parent feels almost superfluous. The baby doesn’t need you any more and you fear diminished love.

Trying to put this in perspective seems to help. I think of all the divorce situations, the families where a shortage of money is a daily issue, or where serious or terminal illness strains every resource or where a parent has died. I face none of these things, my life is charmed in every way. My kids seem perfect, and this transition is the most natural and normal thing we could experience at this stage. So maybe I’ll just be tough about it. I must have a speck of dust in my eye though, so toughness will have to wait a minute.